Does Looking At Porn Hurt My Wife?

The couple sitting across from me in couples counseling looks distraught. The women’s crying and talking about feeling betrayed at her discovery. The man is looking numb. He knows if he says you shouldn’t be upset it’s no big deal one more time she is going to leave him. He does not understand what the big deal is, everyone does it. All his buddy’s do it. Why does she have to be such a stick in the mud? During this first couples counseling session, my goal is to help lower the hostile that has come from the discovery of pornography. Turning to me he asks why does looking at porn hurt my wife?

How does looking at porn hurt my wife?

Before I answer that question for him, we first must understand what is porn addiction or sex addiction? Since this blog is focused on how does looking at porn hurt your wife you can read about what makes something a porn addiction or sex addiction here.   The simple answer to does looking at porn hurt my wife is YES. If she is angry, frustrated, sad, distance because of the porn use, then it is hurting her. In my experience, most men are not intentionally trying to hurt their partner. BUT…. the hurt is there nonetheless. These are some common reason why women are hurt by the discovery of porn.

Assumption of Monogamy

When most women enter into a monogamous relationship, they view that sex as something special just between them and their partner. Sex is a way to be vulnerable with each other. Women often describe sex as emotionally meaningful, driving deep connection and bonding with their partner.

When they discover the use of porn this assumption is destroyed. For you (men) sex is about feeling good not about deep, meaningful connection. This can create deep emotional pain for the women.

Porn Objectifies Women

When talking to men, I always say that most men can see naked women and be ready for sex in 5 seconds. Women can see a naked man and feel disgusted.

Porn objectifies women. They become objects for men to use solely for their own pleasure. When women discover porn usage by their partner they might start to feel objectified. Their view of your changes. She might think “he likes that!” OR “I’ll never look like them.” She might feel like she misjudged you. Your not the man she thought you were because she would never choose to be with a man who objectifies women that way.

Liar Liar

If you hid your porn use from your partner, you have become a liar. While you might not have done it intentionally, she still feels like you have lied to her. I like to call this lying by omission. Because of the shame or guilt, you have a hidden part of your life from the person who wants to be a part of it. This can feel like a betrayal.

Porn Is Everything She Isn’t

She thought sex was about connection, porn has been used by you to driving disconnection. She thought she was special to you, porn says she is just another women. Picking porn means meaningless sex (masturbation) is more important and exciting than a connection with her.

Most men will say what’s the big deal its just pictures, “it’s not like I am putting my dick in someone.” this reinforces the idea that you (men) are picking meaningless pictures to connect with over connection with your partner. These pictures are everything she is not. Evening telling her that she could look at porn means that you don’t care if you are special to her. This creates, even more, pain for her.

Porn Is Cheating

While not physical cheating, viewing porn is emotional cheating. If you look at porn because you are stressed, bored, or just got into a fight with your partner. You are turning to have an emotional need meet outside of your relationship. You are giving porn your sexual interest, desire, and attention. Image if your partner turned to a male co-worker to have her emotional needs met. That would be an emotional affair. Porn is an emotional affair with hundreds or thousands of different women. The fact that porn is done is secret shows that you are choosing to have an emotional connection to something other than the person you said you would.

Healing

So does looking at porn hurt my wife…. Yes. But healing can happen. Finding a therapist that works with porn addiction can help you learn new ways to connect emotionally. You can be rebuilt trust. I always say that trust is a simple math formula. Trust = Time / consistency. This means you must stop looking at porn and be emotionally present in your relationship. This will help you heal the wounds that come from an emotional betrayal.

If you think that you have an issue with porn take our quiz below. 

If your answer was possible compulsive pornography usage or overuse of pornography you could benefit from our Online pornography addiction treatment program. You can start the first course today for Free. 

You can also put in your email below to get our 5 Ways to start to repair your relationship after your partner has discovered your porn use tool kit. So you can begin to rebuild your relationship.